Paper Please Hear Me
friends ask whats wrong, i just say nothing at all, they say are you sure, and i say yeah but they dont see my eyes fall, fall to the concrete that i say looks just like the inside of me, cracked yet strong, with people not caring that they walk all over me, this is why the words in my head dont come out my mouth, why the emotions on my heart are so full of doubt, i put my emotions in my hands and my hands on the pen, put the pen to the paper, and thats where it begins…
Dear Paper, i really want you to feel this, i want you to understand, that everything im feeling is about to be told to you through my hands, i need you to listen, i need you to not judge, i need to know that if i mess you up a little that you wont hold a grudge, because lead will break, and ink will blot, erasers will burn, and my tears will leave spots, i have to know Paper that you hear everything i say, but even if you dont, im gonna say it anyway, im gonna tell you how im struggling through school because i dont feel as smart as the girl to my right, im gonna tell you how i shouldve studied for that test but went to chill all night, this is me telling you how my friends mean so much, regardless if i feel that they are out of touch, out of touch with what? with how deeply i care, how i feel like i cant make it through the day without one of them being there, out of touch with how deeply rooted i am in this, how each one of them has a special place in this, heart of mine oh how its beats change daily, fast-slow-one skipped-normal, and change with my emotions accordingly, hear me when i say Paper how much i love my mom, i love how she keeps pushing forward and holds to her faith so strong, i love her wisdom and i love her spirit, but i hate when she cries because thats when i feel it, i feel the pain in her body from working 12 hours straight, i feel the struggle in her eyes when she knows the rent is late, i feel the regret in her heart when she says “im sorry i couldnt give you girls more”, i feel the hole in her soul from where my dad was torn, Paper im telling you how i miss him so, and how i wish he wasnt watching me from above as i grow, i want him right here, i want him here so so bad, and everytime i dont see him here it makes me sad, sad that he couldnt be in the stands at my high school graduation, sad that his presence has been set to limitations, sad that he wasnt the one to move me into my college dorm, hating that on every April 20th i cant help but mourn, Paper listen close, because im talking about my Jesus, the one who knows everything i do, yet still loves me to pieces, the Lord knows that i love Him, and that goes with out question, but my faith is what i struggle with, sometimes feels like a game of guessing, praying is scary, and sometimes His presence i dont feel, when i finally decide to let go, its seems he doesnt take the wheel, it hurts to think that He is not beside me every second of every minute of every hour, those are my moments i feel weak and have yet to feel his power, having “faith the size of a mustard seed” is no easy task at all, but im gonna will myself to keep trying and pray he catches my fall…
Paper, i dont really know if youre grasping the concept of my words, the issues behind my thoughts, the love thats given through me and completely untaught, i hope youre listening Paper, reading everything thats being spelled out, i dont wanna keep myself from you, because my belief in you has no doubt, you’re the only one who doesnt say “i wont judge you” but does it anyway, youre the only one that i can talk to and say everything i have to say, i never have to search for you through text, call, or tweet, because you’re always at my bedside awaiting the arrival of my pen and your arms to meet, Paper, you give me exactly what i need, and thats a release, when my pencil and you are done talking, i am finally at peace, the me that no one else knows is the one that you do, thats why when i cant talk to people…i talk to you…
Love,
Chanel…
